Non-Standard Units

BØRK

2008-08-01T09:20:00.002-05:00

In the culinary arts, the total amount of härfeörken required to gevërdebjörg one flurhområgor a total of one kvadriljon inlärnung.

"Børk børk børk."

bush

2008-07-25T02:59:00.004-05:00

In urban waste management, the unit of volume of raw sewage. One bush is about equal to 43* gallons. Most commonly used in describing the operational capacity of wastewater treatment plants.

"The Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant in San Francisco can process up to 1.5 million bushes of raw sewage per day."

*Prior to the year 2001, 41 gallons.

light-coon's age

2008-07-14T16:15:00.009-05:00

An astronomical unit of distance measuring about 2.38 × 10¹⁶ meters, defined as how far light travels through a vacuum over the span of exactly one coon's age*.

"Proxima Centauri is a relatively close neighbor of our own sun: only 1.42 light-coon's ages away (or 1.28 light-coon's ages away as the space-crow flies.)"

* 2.942 years, as standardized by the North American Racoonological Society (NARS). The coon age (ca) is based on the observed average life expectancy of a population of non-domesticated North American Raccoons (Procyon lotor) out in the woods behind the NARS headquarters in Ellijay, Georgia.

nom

2008-07-11T01:26:00.005-05:00

The mass unit of any food except cookies. One nom is defined by the maximum single-chomp potential of a standard Cookie Monster (Crustuluvorium googlioculus). Five noms equals one om nom nom nom nom. Not to be confused with the kilocookie, which is used only when describing the mass of cookies.

BOY:"Oh boy, homemade cookies! I'm starving! I haven't had a single nom of food to eat all day! I bet I could eat ten whole om nom nom nom noms of your delicious homemade cookies!"
MOTHER:"Cookies are measured in kilocookies, not noms! Go to your room! No cookies! You were a mistake!

ont

2008-07-10T03:16:00.011-05:00

The standard integral unit of quantifying any collection of discreet objects. Informally defined as being equal to one-twelfth of one dozen.

BAKER:Good morning Mrs. Henderson, what can I get for you?
WOMAN:Morning Fred. I'll take eleven ont donuts.
BAKER:Well, golly, Mrs. H, you know it's actually a little cheaper just to go ahead and get an even dozen, dontcha?
WOMAN:Just give me the God-damned donuts, Fred.

kilocookie (kc)

2008-07-09T01:54:00.000-05:00

In baking, the standard unit of weight for cookies. The International Prototype Kilocookie (Le Kilobiscuit Standard International) is a gingerbread man-shaped platinum-iridium artifact by which the exact mass of the kilocookie is officially defined. It is stored in a special argon-filled cookie jar at the concession stand of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Sèvres, France. A thousandth of a kilocookie is millikilocookie.

"The world record holder for the biggest cookie ever made measured over 100 feet in diameter, contained over 1.3 million chocolate chips, and weighed an astonishing 20,000 kilocookies! That's as much as four elephants!"

rayburn

2008-07-07T22:33:00.000-05:00

The unit used for describing the length of a game show host's hand-held microphone. One rayburn is equal to 12.8 centimeters.

"The Sony ECM-51 microphone Bob Barker used on The Price is Right measured slightly less than 3.2 rayburns."

reagan

2008-07-07T10:00:00.000-05:00

In economics, a unit for measuring national debt. One reagan is equal to a net accumulated federal deficit of one trillion dollars.

"The current per capita share of the United States' 9.5 reagan debt is over $31,000. Additionally, the national debt continues to increase at a rate of over 1.6 gippers* per day.

* One gipper = 1/1000th of a reagan, or 1 billion dollars in debt.

Hello.

2008-07-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
— Albert Einstein